Adopt???

When will I ever feel this need go away???

A couple of months ago, I woke up in the middle of the night from a horrible dream. I was sweaty, out of breath, and feeling like something was ripped from me. I tried so hard to remember my dream but couldn't for the life of me. I remember bits and pieces but couldn't remember the entire thing. I remember a child being taken from my arms. I wasn't in my home, in my town, in my state, or even in my country. I remember being in a village, walking in dirt with sandals, and going hut to hut searching for my child. The only thing was is that the child was not my son or my daughter. This child was African American and a tall man took the child from me. The child was reaching for me yelling, "mommy mommy" What did it all mean? Why do I continue to have this dream. This dream re-occurs almost weekly. I hate that I can't ever get my baby back in my dreams. It is one of those dreams that is never resolved and is the same every time.

Since I can remember, even from when I was a child I have had the dream of adopting a child. My husband knows this and he even agreed that adoption was something that he would be interested in. Our youngest daughter is 3 we have a son that is 6 and for the past year I have thought about adding to our family. My husband on the other hand has different ideas. He is fine with our two children, a boy and a girl. Our family size is perfect to him. I have other plans. I want at least one or two more kids, and this yearning to adopt. I want to give a child a life that they deserve to have, a family to love them, a warm and loving home to grow in, and a life full of adventure and happiness.

How is it that my husband and I can be in two different spots? How can I go through life not ever fulfilling something in my heart. How can I not resent him for the feeling of satisfaction and happiness with life? How can he not resent me if we decide to add to our family? In so many aspects of our life we are on the same page...why aren't we now?

Choices!

I have been wanting to write this for a long time, but haven't had the words or the time really to put thoughts down and just lay it out there. So here it is....

My journey of weight loss has been an on going struggle, one that has seen highs and lows, peaks, valley's, and plateaus. I started with just wanted to train with a group of gals for an upcoming triathlon. Well that was almost 2 years ago! I have since challenged myself in new ways and continued to incorporate movement into my everyday life. Some weeks are better than others and there have certainly been times where the priority to get my butt to the gym or just doing something just isn't happening. This summer has been especially difficult. I find myself stuck in a once a week workout phase, where I just can't seem to workout but once a week. Every week this summer, something comes up where I just don't do it. I feel terrible on the inside, I find myself more frustrated with my weight loss journey now than ever before. Even in the early days when I was just so mad at myself for letting go of myself. When I was straining myself just to make it once around the lap at the gym. I feel like it has fallen on the back burner, when movement of some kind should always take first priority.

I am hyper sensitive about this now as I am less than 4 days away from the Warrior Dash in Colorado that I signed up to do. I am panicking that I have sabotaged my success by not keeping up training and keeping myself physically fit. I guess I have done some self reflection this week and the choices that I have made. As I was sitting on my butt for 3 straight days this week at a training, I started to think about choices. At this training we were fed quite nicely. Breakfast, Lunch, and 2 Snacks. Dammit! I didn't bring my food scale! My portions were out of control, I drank 3 sodas in 2 days, and if they said snack I was eating because I was bored! As I came home on Monday and Tuesday, I felt like crap! I seriously just wanted to lay around on Tuesday night and not move because I felt so disgusting inside and out. My weight had fluctuated and I gained a pound since Monday morning. I typically lose weight during the week(and gain back on the weekends with beer) As I began agonizing over all of the shitty choices I had made, I decided to start Wednesday as a new day with a whole new set of choices....

I can't go back and change the choices that I made on Monday, Tuesday or any other day...but I have all day to make a choice, one choice at a time! One choice, just one at a time. I made a choice that I was not going to eat as many snacks, only one snack. And no soda, but instead water and my portions would be more veggies, and less carbs. I stuck to it and I was very proud of myself! Simple choices, one at a time! I was ready to make another choice....

My very first solo run outside. I know that this sounds silly, for those who know me know that I run. I run in the gym and I always run with a buddy. I am sort of a freak and don't like to be alone on the roadways running and biking. I think that there are lots of bad guys and they are all going to kidnap me. I know silly but I really don't like to do things outside alone. So tonight I came home and decided I was going for a run. And I did! I ran, 3.2 miles in 34 min. Pretty awesome. I came home and had an awesome dinner of an almond butter sandwich, cucumber and an apple. And then some more choices...I could sit around and veg in front of the TV or I could clean up around the house, take the garbage out, give the kids a bath and put laundry away. I chose movement! I felt so good inside and I noticed that I was a better more pleasant mom to Kenley and Avon and I got so much done! It just feels so good!

I have also come to terms with me....I have to be a bit easier on myself and realize that this is not a sprint. This is marathon. It won't happen overnight. It has been almost 2 years of changes and choices, but I still have to work at it daily! I need to stop comparing and do more praise to myself. I need to look in the mirror and love me. The me that I see in the mirror, and not the me from 6 years ago when I was super skinny, and not the me that I think I should be because magazine and media tell me to be. I am beautiful and me and I have to be ok with that. I need to give myself some self affirmations daily to remind myself of how really amazing I am. I am beautiful, talented, amazing and simply the best at being me! The choice is up to me! One choice at a time.

Jerusalem Artichoke Soup

So this week I received my Bountiful Basket and in it were about a pound of Jerusalem Artichokes. I had no clue what they were(my first thought was what in the world would I do with all of these ginger roots), so I turned to Google.


These are also called Sun Roots and they are part of the Daisy family and grow beautiful flowers like this...Who knew??? Well what the heck was I supposed to make with a pound of the potato like veggie????

Of course....some soup! Many pins on Pinterest came up with Gratins, but on a snowy Wyoming day in the middle of winter...I opt for some soup. One of my all time favorite soups is the Zuppa Toscana from the Olive Garden. I have perfected the soup and it is made frequently at this house! The soup took shape from a Zuppa base.


Ingredients:
1-2lbs of Jerusalem Artichokes
1/2 pound of bacon
1 lb pork sausage(you can use hot sausage)
1 onion
3-5 gloves of minced garlic
3 potatoes
1 quart of chicken stock/broth
1/2 cup of whipping cream
1 pint of fat free half and half
salt
pepper
fresh flat leaf parsley

Start of first by giving these little artichokes a bath and a good scrub down.
Then get some bacon frying in a hot sauce pan. I cut up my bacon into pieces using my kitchen shears when the bacon is semi frozen. It is way easier to handle.

Once it is fried, remove from the pan leaving behind the grease. Set the bacon aside...in my house this is harder than it seems.

Dice an onion and saute in the bacon grease. Add in the minced garlic. Saute until onion and garlic until fragrant and almost clear. Add the sausage to begin browning.

While you are in this process I placed the Artichokes into the microwave peel on. This was to expedite the process of cooking the artichokes longer in the soup because we didn't have the 45 minutes to wait for the artichokes to cook down. I put them on the potato setting on the microwave for 3 potatoes. Once finished, I peeled, cut up and placed in the pot of sausage, onion, and garlic. Cook the sausage through until no longer pink. Peel and cut up the potatoes and place in the pot.

Add the chicken stock and boil for 5-10 minutes. Then add the cream and half and half. Simmer for 15-20 minutes. While simmering dice up the parsley and add in. Let simmer for 3-5 minutes.

You are finished!
Serve with the reserved bacon from before(if there is any left). We also ate it with Sourdough bread for dipping! Yummy!~ I should have taken a picture of the finished product but I was too excited to eat!

One Year....

One year ago, I made a choice....I was going to quit drinking soda. I was only really drinking one can of soda a day, but I thought one simple choice was easy. I can control myself to not drink soda.

The next step in my journey was to get  in the gym. I knew I needed to create movement in my day. There were so many nights where I would come home from work, and literally lay on the couch. Too tired to do much of anything, so I didn't. A friend at work asked if I would do a triathlon with her. I thought she was joking...are you kidding me. I was thinking that I am 238 lbs...and you want me to do a triathlon with you. My first thought was that I would have to get into a swimming suit...and I shuttered at the idea. My first week of training was horrible. I felt like crap! I can't believe how out of shape I was. I vowed that I will never be at this place again in my life!

So here I am...one sprint triathlon down (1/2 mile swim, 15 mile bike, and 3.2 mile run), one 5k run down, and completing a fitness challenge (1 minute of military push ups, 1 minute of sit ups, sit &reach and 12 minutes run) where I improved all of my scores into the "good range" from "poor range" down! One year later I am over 40 lbs down from my original weight. Size 18/20 to a 14. I will never go there again! I still have a lot of work to do. But I know that I have created a life change!

I don't know how she does it...

I am so excited to go and see the new movie "I don't know how she does it" I think that this movie was written about my life. These past few weeks have been particularly difficult for me juggling the different aspects of my life. I have been more emotional and petrified that I am not able to meet all of the things that are required of me!

My job is in the busiest season. I have 5 children who I am evaluating and have 5 children who I have to complete annual iep reviews for. I also have 2 children who are transitioning from the part C (0-3) program. I am busy to say the least! My days are full of paperwork and meetings. My 8 hours of work are now 10 with work at home in the evenings. I couldn't even schedule an appointment to go to the doctor.

I am failing miserably at my job as a housewife. My kids have eaten more peanut butter and honey sandwiches this month than they have ever had in their life! I cancelled my housecleaning service because of budget cuts and now my house is a mess!

I need help. I haven't ever been like this in my life! I am usually able to juggle it all flawlessly. It doesn't help that now I am also managing my dads health and financial concerns too. I hope that the movie helps me to put things on perspective on what is truly important. I know what is the most important things in life but need help on just how to say No!

New name

I have changed the name of my blog, because I don't feel like I ever had any secrets to being a career mom. What I do know is a balance of Kendra time, work, my husband and my kids. I think that I balance it well. It seems that there are times when we are out of sync and then there are times when we are running well on all cylinders. It is truly a balance in all areas of your life. When one thing weighs you down, life is usually out of balance. It is all about doing the best to keep it all weighing the same.

Taking time for me!

I have begun to realize the importance of taking time for me! I work long hours and at the end of the day there really isn't enough time to take care of the care taker. I have started feeling less guilty about the time that I have started to take for ME! 

One thing that I have started to do is reward myself every 6-8 weeks with a hair appointment. I go to the salon during work hours and I don't look back. It also helps that my stylist is a perfectionist, so she takes her time. There is no rushing during her hair appointments, which makes it even better for me. I love the time at the salon! Adult conversations, gossip, and catching up with opinions about reality TV and Hollywood couples.

The next thing is game night with the girls. Every month a group of us get together at each others houses. We pay 10 dollars and the host of the evening will purchase gifts and food. We play all sorts of board games, dice games, and word games. It is a hoot! Plus it gives us a chance to unwind and have some beverages outside of work. 

Don't underestimate the value of happy hour. Fortunately, we work across the street from one of Gillette's most popular restaurants. It is tempting and often necessary after a long day's work to partake in the beloved happy hour! At certain times of the year, when there are several pending deadlines we love ourselves some drinks! 

My new fix is working out! I am starting to work on myself, inside and out. While I am working diligently on dumping debt in my life, now is as good as time as any to go ahead and dump some weight. I am finding that if I work out I have more energy throughout the day. I am going to train for a triathlon in May. I am excited and ready to change this part of my life. I am working out before work and after. 

The last little hint is ALWAYS, ALWAYS keep a bottle of wine on hand for those days that are more difficult than others.